Putting it out there

Sometimes putting it out there is a big old WTF!

You know what you should be doing, and what it takes to do what you're doing or should be doing. Some days it all rattles around in my head in too many directions. And you feel like you're not getting enough back, etc. Hard, aggravating, sometimes real, sometimes defeatist, and sometimes just having a pity party. And then you find the awesome thing.

That years of putting yourself out there pays back. It pays back in someone not breaking up with you, but taking decisive action to further the goals that the 2 of you have. It pays back in a "friends & family" discount on a house you wouldn't be able to afford otherwise, and in a place where you'd be clueless about where to look or what the options are when you first land there. Even though you know you want to go. It pays back in people being willing to give you a little more leeway. And it pays back when you're not even looking and trying to figure out how you're going to deal with selling the place you already have. When mentioning you're figuring this out, putting it out there, just as part of "updating on my life and plans" nets "Hey, I think I know someone who might be interested" and that's not even what you were looking for. But damn, it's sure nice to get it.

In Memoriam

Well, I started this not really knowing what I want to do with this blog. I'll probably talk to empty space here. That's a good thing. But for now, I thought I'd put up something I wrote that I didn't want to lose.

My grandfather died earlier this year at the age of 2 weeks shy of 91. I wasn't able to make it to his memorial, but I drafted my thoughts for my sister to take from to read for all of us and these are my unedited thoughts from then. I love him and I miss him, for who he was - warts, halos, and all. This is my personal recollection of him and who he was to me.

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My grandfather was a man of standards - and I think many don't realize that for him, keeping to those standards was a way of caring - of showing concern for others. For making sure you were doing right by each other.

So I remember him throughout my life - as a child who entertained him by sleeping tucked in a ball with my butt up in the air. He found that endlessly amusing. The standards to be enforced were being dressed with the bed made and down to breakfast by 7:30 or some similarly early hour. And then he would amuse us by playing with his face and wiggling his ears.

As an older child who discovered that the tooth fairy paid better at his house. But that you were expected to help scrape caterpillars off the trees and mow the lawn. And breakfast was still early - with fresh-squeezed orange juice.

As a young teenager who had discovered MTV - available at his house, but not at home. We had an unwritten code of understanding - he let me watch far more than I should have, and when he mentioned that he *knew* my parents didn't let me watch this much, it was time to turn it off. There's a lawn to be mowed and a table to be set - properly of course.

As an older teenager - who miraculously found that the strictest man on the face of the earth both understood me and had quite the sense of humor - bawdy and otherwise. Man I enjoyed those years when I'd call just so we could bust each other's chops. He came with my grandmother and spoke @ my school to my history class during a visit - it was the first time that class didn't run out the door when the bell rang, and I discovered yet another side of him.

And then as a young adult - who failed to cash checks on time and would get phone calls. And we still busted chops and enjoyed each other.

As an older (ish) adult - receiving e-mails - the jokes, the e-greeting cards, and the occasional Washington Post article. And racing desperately to vacuum out the car before picking him up from the airport.

Today - I miss him. I really wish he was here to call me and ask me about my birthday check from 6 weeks ago that I haven't cashed yet.